secret.jpgGreetings readers, I have a confession to make. Global warming “skeptics” have been right all along - global warming is just a giant hoax perpetrated by our secret society! I was inducted into the secret society of global warming by my professors when I attended UC Berkeley from ‘02 to ‘05, but we are winning so I see no reason to lie anymore!

The only one I know of so far that has gotten it right is Chip Giller from Grist.org when he wrote:
“So-called “global warming” is just a secret plot by wacko tree huggers to make America energy independent, clean our air and water, improve the fuel efficiency of our vehicles, kick-start 21st-century industries, and make our cities safer and more livable. Don’t let them get away with it!”

Our powerful secret society, which happens to include in its membership the vast majority of climate and earth scientists, is trying to convince people that anthropogenic greenhouse gas (GHG) emissions are increasing the base-line temperatures of long-term geo-climate cycles. There are plenty of folks who know the truth, but we are trying to discredit them by suggesting that a lot of their leaders are sponsored by our opponents who do not want the clean, independent, and prosperous future we envision.

First, our teams of deranged liberal, tree-hugging hippie-scientists at institutions like UC Berkeley fabricated models suggesting that the gases in the atmosphere are responsible for keeping the planet warm. We were able to get people to buy into our theory that when humans add more of those gases than would naturally be released, then more heat from the sun will be trapped, thus warming the earth! Ha, fools!

Now we are working on the next step. We think we have come up with a pretty good way to scare people: we tell them that if several centuries ago the temperature peak of a geo-climate cycle saw us hit a particular mean global temperature, then the peak of that same cycle in a couple more centuries will be several degrees warmer due to all the GHG humans release in addition to what is released naturally. Also, we suggest that the low points of cycles from this point forward will not be as low as they were in the past. Watch the way the world will eat this up!

We’re pretty excited about our secret plot, so we produce vast amounts of seemingly credible peer-reviewed research and reports to back up our hoax! I doubt we will ever “all be in agreement” let alone in “2 centuries,” but the good news is that we do not have to get every single person in the world on board in order to start working towards our secret plan!

As long as we can scare the majority enough, we’ll be able to achieve our wicked plan to “make America energy independent, clean our air and water, improve the fuel efficiency of our vehicles, kick-start 21st-century industries, and make our cities safer and more livable.”

We have already fooled most people with our hoax, and like I said, you can’t stop us now!